Contemporary grandmothers are often marginalized from extended family life because social institutions and grandmothers themselves do not understand that they could be vital for working parents, for overactive children, for suicidal youth, indeed for many of the problems of modern grandchildren.

The genetics and hormones of older women have designed them to be vital family members, with patience and perspective that come with age and experience. In addition, biology helps directly via menopause. The grandmother hypothesis explains that human women, unlike almost any other living creature, experience decades of life after menopause, in order to make grandmothers available to their descendants.

Here, Kathleen Berger explores he role of grandmothers in the lives of their grandchildren. She uses real life examples to illustrate how grandmothers can best integrate themselves into the lives of their children’s families without overstepping. She explores the particular needs of each stage of childhood as they relate to grandmother involvement and input. Before a child is born, grandmothers need to attend to building a strong relationship with the future parents. In infancy, attachment and feeding are crucial. In early childhood, grandmothers need to follow the parent’s lead, remembering that a parental alliance is essential. In childhood, children need to be safe but not isolated, and both bullies and victims benefit from a grandmother’s support and assistance. In adolescence and emerging adulthood, grandmothers need to build direct connections and not avoid the difficult topics of sex, drugs, death, disease, and money. Throughout, elders need to learn technology, insuring that it fosters, not impedes relationships.

Problems in relationships are explained honestly and with insight. Among these are issues when three generations share a home, when parents get divorced, and when grandchildren rebel against parental authority. Throughout the work, both the joy and the complications of effective grandmothering are described. Whether you’re a biological grandmother, a trusted step-grandmother, or just a warm and trusted older woman with young ones in your life, you can be a vital force in the lives of future generations.

Preface

Dedication

Part I: Get up from the Floor

Chapter One: Excluded and on the Floor

What is Wrong?

Cohort and Culture

Grandmothers and Families

Chapter Two: Why Grandmothers?

The Paradox of Menopause

Evidence for Grandmother Hypothesis

Still True?

Chapter Three: Deep Within, On the Floor Again

Every Part of the brain

Genes, Selfish and Not

Oxytocin and Other Hormones

Chapter Four: Too Little Grandmothering

Some Care is Essential

Who is to Blame

Suing for Visitation Rights

Chapter Five: Too Much Grandmothering

Custodial Grandmothers

Three Generation Households

Finding the Balance

Part II: At every Age

Chapter Six: The Loving Couple

Lesson One: Keep Comments to Yourself

Lesson Two: Respect the Gatekeepers

Lesson Three: Recognize Linked Lives

Chapter Seven: The Pregnant Couple

Lesson Four: Quiet Fears and Anxieties

Lesson Five: Learn about Innovations

Lesson Six: Build Relationships Carefully

Chapter Eight: Birth and the Newborn

Lesson Seven: Remember the other people.

Lesson Eight: Recognize Birth as a Pivot

Lesson Nine: Prevent Postpartum Depression

Chapter Nine: Infants

Lesson Ten: Notice and Admire

Lesson Eleven: Avoid Attachment Wars

Lesson Twelve: Don’t Feed the Baby, Unless….

Chapter Ten: Young Children

Lesson Thirteen: Twelve: Avoid Assumptions

Lesson Fourteen: Accept Blame and Mediation

Lesson Fifteen: Discipline with Care

Chapter Eleven: School Children

Lesson Sixteen: Keep them Safe and Social

Lesson Seventeen: Protect Victims and Bullies

Lesson Eighteen: Help with Education

Chapter Twelve: Divorce and Grandchildren

Lesson Nineteen: Strengthen the Partnership

Lesson Twenty: Be a Steady Anchor

Lesson Twenty-One: Step into the Family

Chapter Thirteen: Adolescents

Lesson Twenty-Two: Navigate Changing Relationships

Lesson Twenty-Three: Reconsider Suicide, Drugs, and Sex

Lesson Twenty-Four: Learn Technology

Chapter Fourteen: Emerging Adults

Lesson Twenty-Five: Don’t Advise Settling Down

Lesson Twenty-Six: Explore Values with Words and Money

Lesson Twenty-Seven: Take Care of Health and Ability

Into the Future

References

Bibliography

Index

About the Author