Dispatches from modern motherhood by a reluctant suburbanite

Send Me Into The Woods Alone is an honest, heartfelt, and often hilarious collection of essays on the joys, struggles, and complexities of motherhood.

These essays touch on the major milestones of raising children, from giving birth (and having approximately a million hands in your vagina) and taking your beautiful newborn home (and feeling like you’ve stolen your baby from the hospital), to lying to kids about the Tooth Fairy and mastering the subtle art of beating children at board games. Plus the pitfalls of online culture and the #winemom phenomenon, and the unattainable expectations placed on mothers today.

Written from the perspective of an always tired, often anxious, and reluctant suburbanite who is doing her damn best, these essays articulate one woman’s experience in order to help mothers of all kinds process the wildly variable, deeply different ways in which being a mom changes our lives.

"Easily the most validating book you’ll read this year."—Ann Douglas, author of Happy Parents, Happy Kids and The Mother of All Pregnancy Books

Introduction: Motherhood has some universal truths, but it’s a wildly variable experience with many different paths to get you there. Also, Penny from Dirty Dancing did not have appendicitis, as I’d assumed.

The Miracle of Life and Other Feats of Strength: Growing and birthing a human being is no joke, and it’s not always a good time—but yes, it’s worth it.

A Million Hands In One Vagina: A personal essay on letting student doctors into your vagina so they can learn, and being in labour for over 50 hours.

When The Baby Snatcher Is You: Walking out of the hospital with a newborn can feel a whole lot like kidnapping an infant, even when you know the infant is yours. Now take that baby home and raise it to adulthood! No pressure.

Lullabies From Pop Radio: Pop songs can be perfect lullabies—especially if your kids don’t know any better.

Everyone Lies On The Internet: Everyone lies on the Internet, including moms, and it’s making it harder for all of us to feel good about ourselves and our parenting.

The Art of Beating Kids at Board Games: Playing with your kids doesn’t have to involve dolls or imaginary play—sometimes, it means crushing them at Monopoly or chess (and then, feeling proud when they start crushing you).

Something Terrible is Going To Happen To Your Family: A personal essay on motherhood and anxiety.

Interludes in My Driveway: Sometimes, a mom just needs to sit in her car in her own driveway and pause before going on with the rest of her life.

The Thing You Love Most Isn’t Always Fun: Being a parent can be really lovely at times. Those times are pretty rare.

I Want To Be A Park Dad: A woman imagines what it’s like to be a dad at the park for just one day.

My Feral Child, My Love: There’s something wonderful about raising a child who is perfectly, terrifyingly wild at heart.

Zombie Rats: A personal essay on catching an injured rat in Tupperware.

The Slow and Tragic Death of Santa Claus: Being a parent means being the keeper of magical lies of childhood: Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy.

The Suburban Dream: A city woman moves to the suburbs and falls apart, but eventually finds her way.

You’re Not Superwoman And That’s Okay: There are impossible expectations on women in life and in motherhood, and we’re set up to fail. No person can do it all, and that’s okay.

Places I Have Failed: Sometimes, you set out to teach your kids about the world and then realize you’ve taught them very little about a lot of important things.

Why Mommy Drinks: A personal essay on the demeaning and damaging effect #WineMom culture can have on women.

My Job Is Not A Hobby: No matter how hard women work or how much they achieve, they are forever treated as support staff to their husband’s CEO.

Sure, I'm A Painter: Trying to get to the bottom of why my son inexplicably thinks I'm a professional painter.

Watch Me Hold A Grudge: A man insulted my toddler son in 2015 and I’m still mad.

Send Me Into The Woods Alone: Even if you love your family more than anything in the world, the idea of hiding in the cabin in the woods for a few days is extremely tempting.

All Tragedy Is Yours: When you’re a parent, you absorb the grief of other parents in an act of empathy. While this can be painful, it also makes us better in a lot of ways.

Your Parents Were Never Old: It’s easier to have perspective on your childhood and your own parents when you’re looking back and seeing things more clearly.

I Don’t Want To Sleep Through The Night Anymore: Getting the thing you want sometimes means missing what you used to have — even sleepless nights with a young child.

Babies Are Going To Smash The Patriarchy: If every generation does things a little differently and a little better than the last, then our kids are going to be the ones to break down walls and smash the patriarchy (or so a mom can hope).

Please Don't Grow Up to Be Assholes: As a mother, I have one request of my kids: please, don’t grow up to be assholes.